


sleeper agent

by fevermachine



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, make of that what you will, merle's abs are ACTIVATED, this is a merle appreciation fic of sorts but also an au where he's a sleeper agent, what's up it's been two years since i've written fic and i'm back with a really weird one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 10:26:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13292874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fevermachine/pseuds/fevermachine
Summary: So, Merle? Overall, kind of a useless dude.





	sleeper agent

**Author's Note:**

> For reference, this fic is 100% based off of [this image.](https://orcgf.tumblr.com/private/169404244139/tumblr_p25vbrg4Oo1w59c26)

Taako's never been quite sure as to why Merle Highchurch made it onto the IPRE team. Sure, he’s purportedly a talented healer, but Taako’s pretty sure the number of times Merle’s healed him well can fit onto one hand. The dwarf rarely deigns to cast a spell properly, and when he does it’s usually some bogus incantation like Zone of Truth. The old fuck wastes his time in gardens and can barely tell a joke.

So, Merle? Overall, kind of a useless dude. The team would frankly be fine without him.

Seven weeks into their twelfth year abroad, Taako expresses all this to Lup at three in the morning while baking an unnecessarily complex five-layer cake. Their current planet is bright, green, and glowing, which means that the ship is lit at all hours by a vague lime light. All of Taako’s outfits, regulation or otherwise, now have a slight green tint to them. 

Lup shakes her head, her newly green-flecked hair flowing around her in the unusually light gravity. “You’re a mess, bro. He’s really not that bad.”

“Listen, Lulu, have you ever seen the man do anything useful? Besides, he’s stylistically a mess. I can’t go a day without seeing a tacky Hawaiian t-shirt.” Taako huffs and sticks another layer of the cake into the oven. He’s baking the cake for Lucretia’s birthday, and creating this particular masterpiece involves interrogating Lup about Lucretia’s favorite flavors this cycle. Unfortunately, Lup’s been dodging the flavor questions recently in lieu of talking about how nice Lucretia looks. Frankly, it’s a little annoying.

Lup laughs. “As if you don’t wear Hawaiian shirts every other week, you hypocrite.” Just for fun, she summons a spark of flame and lets it dance across her fingertips. “He’s here for a reason. Fuck knows what the reason is, but he’s here for one.”

Taako looks over at his sister, who’s still admiring the way the fire flickers between her fingertips. For a second, the green light makes her look like someone he barely knows. “Sure, Lulu. Whatever you say.”

He doesn’t believe a word of it.

*  
One of the more entertaining aspects of the Green Planet is its assortment of wildlife. The flora and fauna here are ridiculously resplendent, and Taako enjoys poking around in the forests near the Starblaster when he’s not otherwise occupied. Today’s adventure is mostly inspired by the fact that he doesn’t want to clean the ship’s kitchen area like Davenport told him to, but whatever. He’s allowed to enjoy a bit of nature.

Unfortunately, he bumps into Merle ten minutes into his trek. Fucking Merle. The dwarven cleric is seated among several vine-like plants, seemingly communing with them. The vines sway gracefully back and forth in a nonexistent breeze, and Merle’s beard does the same. He has a resplendent smile on his face, and for a second Taako considers just leaving him to do his thing in peace.

Instead, he picks up a rock and tosses it at one of the vines. “Hey, chucklefuck. What’s happening?”

Merle starts, and the vines go crazy, whipping about in the air like they’re under attack. Taako’s rock goes flying back towards him at previously undocumented speeds, and he has to dive out of the way in order to avoid impalement. His immaculately blue shirt is immediately devoured by the ground and turns a sort of muddy grey. “Jesus, Merle,” he exclaims, flipping his previously perfect hair out of his face. 

Merle laughs apologetically. “Sorry, Taako. The plants here are kind of anxious. I was just trying to calm them down when you showed up.” He extends his hand to help Taako up, a friendly gesture that Taako brushes off in anger.

“All you do is commune with your fucking plants. Maybe you should fucking learn how to heal instead of playing around with your stupid hydrangeas and proteas,” he scoffs bitterly.

As soon as the last word leaves Taako’s mouth, Merle straightens up to a height Taako didn’t know he possessed. His tacky Hawaiian shirt buckles and breaks, the skin beneath it seeming to shift and stiffen. The shirt buttons fly off in various directions like spaceships escaping a doomed planet. Finally, the skin settles. In place of Merle’s previously squishy stomach is an impressive set of abs that seem to rival Magnus’s. In a gruff voice that seems incredibly unlike the dwarf, Merle asks, “What would you like me to do?”

Instead of answering, Taako does the only thing he can think to do in this situation. He gets off the ground and runs as fast as he can towards the Starblaster, abandoning his hat on the ground. He runs until he can’t breathe anymore, at which point he slumps against the nearest tree and tries to collect his thoughts. Unfortunately, all Taako can currently think is, “What the fuck?"

He resolves to stay away from Merle.

*  
That night at dinner, Merle cheerfully saunters over to where Taako’s sitting and passes him his hat. Taako stares at him warily for a few seconds before taking it.

“Found this outside on the ground. What’d you do, encounter a demon?” The grin on his face betrays nothing but amusement.

Taako’s incapable of forming words. He wonders if Merle knows what happened to him out in the forest.

“What, cat got your tongue? You could at least say thank you.” Merle crosses his arms over his now chubby midriff, which snaps Taako out of his reverie. 

“Uh, thanks, Merle. I must have dropped it while exploring.” Taako plasters his most convincing, television-worthy smile on his face, and Merle retreats to his seat.

*  
Merle’s Abs Activation, for lack of a better term, happens again later that month when Taako absentmindedly asks him to pass the thyme. He watches, horrified, as Merle’s body contorts back into the incredibly buff version of itself. Abs Merle asks, in the same unusually gruff voice as before, “What would you like me to do?” 

This time, Taako answers in a clear, calm voice, even though he’s inwardly terrified. “Pass the thyme, please.”

As soon as the word ‘thyme’ passes his lips, Merle collapses to the floor, his dad bod reforming as he does. Taako cautiously checks his pulse and finds nothing odd about it. Merle’s just asleep in the middle of the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, during which Taako resumes cooking, Merle regains consciousness, yawning and rubbing at his eyes as if nothing had happened. Taako tries not to stare as he exits the room.

*  
So far, Taako has figured out that the code word that activates Merle changes every week, and it’s always plant related.

The next week, Taako decides that he’s going to try to activate Merle again, this time on purpose. He wants more information on Merle’s second form. In order to do this, he recruits Merle to help him bake in the kitchen, even though Merle’s notoriously shit at all forms of cooking.

“You want me to do what now?” Merle asks, staring down at the bowlful of ingredients Taako’s unceremoniously placed in front of him. 

Taako rolls his eyes. If he wasn’t so determined to get more information on Merle’s weird second side, he’d be pissed off. “Whisk it. You know, stir everything together.”

Merle sighs a long-suffering sigh. “Couldn’t you just do it? I have other things I could be doing, you know.”

The Taako of five weeks ago would have said something witty and cutting about Merle’s obsession with plants, but Taako refrains from doing that. Instead, he smiles. 

“If I’m being honest, I just wanted some company. Lulu's off doing whatever it is she does with Lucretia, and I haven’t talked to you in a while. I figured it was a good chance to, uh, get to know you better.” All of which is technically true, even if Taako means it in a slightly skewed way.

“Oh,” Merle replies, looking suspiciously over at him. “Well, okay then. Got any topics of conversation you wanna dive into?”

This is his chance. As casually as he can, Taako turns around to grab an ingredient from the shelf. “Why don’t you tell me about why you’re interested in plants?”

There’s silence for a small amount of time, and then Merle replies. “Sure! Never thought you were a plant guy, but I’m always happy to talk about nature.” And, without any further ado, Merle launches into a tangent about different kinds of flowers.

Taako lets the dwarf’s words wash over him, occasionally asking questions. Half an hour passes as Merle chats about plants while Taako flits around him, intent on his cooking. As he cracks two eggs and adds them to Merle’s thoroughly stirred bowl, he hears Merle mention a specific kind of flower. Taako parrots the name back at him in the form of a question, and he sees Merle’s back stiffen.

“Fuck,” Taako mutters, and swipes the bowl from Merle’s hands as they begin to grow beefier.

Watching Merle transform is always an uncomfortable experience. For all intents and purposes, it looks like it should hurt. Bones appear to crack and remold themselves, and muscles bulge in places where Merle previously had none. All in all, it looks horrific. The worst part is the complete lack of sound emanating from all of this.

Merle now stands in the middle of Taako’s kitchen, buff and alarming, and asks his usual question.

“What would you like me to do?”

Taako gulps, though his mouth is parched. His ears have flattened themselves to the sides of his head in a very obvious expression of fear. He’s never actively tried to speak to Abs Merle before, and it’s a frightening prospect. What if he says another secret code word and accidentally sends Merle into attack mode? Still, Taako’s determined to find out what the fuck is happening.

“Tell me who you are,” he says in reply, hoping the tremors in his voice aren’t too obvious.

Abs Merle frowns. “Hitower Twelve. You should know this.”

“Right, Hitower Twelve. Of course, how silly of me.” Taako lets out a nervous little laugh. “Tell me, Hitower Twelve, why exactly are you here?”

Abs Merle- Hitower- cracks his knuckles menacingly. “To protect and defend all that I am directed against and to die for my country, if necessary.”  
As if to prove this statement undeniably true, Hitower 12 drops to the ground and starts doing one-fingered pushups. Taako takes several steps backward until his back is met by the comforting presence of the wall. 

“How will you do that?” he asks.

Hitower Twelve grunts and somehow manages to launch himself back into a standing position. “By killing anyone and anything I have to.” 

He turns to face Taako, newly formed malice apparent in his eyes. “Anyone in particular you need me to go after?”

Taako wracks his brain for the name of the flower that triggered Hitower Twelve, but can’t seem to remember it. 

“No!” he frantically responds. “No, I need you to, uh, take a rest. Go back to your quarters and work out or something, I don’t know.”

Confusion immediately crosses Hitower Twelve’s face. “My quarters?”

Taako hastily amends his statement. “Not yours. Merle’s. Here, I’ll take you there.” He quickly leads Hitower Twelve through the ship’s corridors to Merle’s room, taking care to avoid any of his fellow crew members. Once they’ve arrived, he shoves Hitower Twelve in and quickly shuts the door. 

“Just hang out in here for a bit,” Taako says, hoping that no one will round the corner to see him talking to Merle’s door.

“As commanded,” Hitower Twelve replies.

Taako raises his eyebrows in astonishment. ‘As commanded’ wasn’t a thing he’d ever expected to come out of Merle’s mouth. “Cool, thanks, dude.”

After he finishes baking, Taako returns to Merle’s quarters to find out whether Hitower Twelve is still there. He knocks cautiously, and Merle- thank god, Merle- answers the door.

“Yeah?”

“Uh, just making sure you’re here. Davenport wants to talk to you.” Davenport does not, in fact, want to talk to Merle, but Taako forgot to create a lie ahead of time.

“Thank you for letting me know,” Merle says, and shuts the door in his face.

*  
Taako decides he’s going to do a little research. He spends a whole week searching through his old spellbooks for a incantation that would turn a chubby dwarf cleric into some sort of abs werewolf. He finds nothing.

He tries asking Lup if she’s heard of a spell like that before, but she just shakes her head and looks at him, bemused. Taako decides not to ask the rest of the team for fear of similar responses.

*  
Three weeks before New Years’ Eve, Taako is curled up in the Starblaster’s communal living space doing more fruitless research. The green light flickers over the pages of his book, creating weird shadows within the words. Taako’s come to enjoy the lighting, and he’ll be sad to see it go. At least they were able to find the Light of Creation this year.

A voice interrupts him from his reading. “Hey, Taako, mind if I join you?”

Taako looks up from his most recent spellbook to see Merle holding two cocktails in his hands. “Sure, kemosabe, take a seat.”

Merle plops down next to him on the couch and passes him one of the drinks. Taako takes a sip and marvels at how oddly good it is. For a dwarf who can’t cook shit, Merle is an incredibly talented mixologist. 

“Thanks, man, this is good,” he says, impressed. Merle smiles at him but makes no further attempt at conversation. 

As he sits next to the dwarf, Taako wonders whether Merle’s subconsciously bothered by his sleeper agent status. Does his brain recognize that he’s not always himself? Merle’s never seemed like a troubled guy on any surface level, but it must be odd to have another persona embedded within you, just biding its time until it’s released. Taako wonders whether Merle’s ever scared of the thing inside his head, that uncomfortably ripped killer that could jump out at any moment. To have yourself ripped from control of your body and relegated to the backseat sounds like absolute hell.

“You know,” Merle says out of nowhere, “I grew up a beach dwarf.”

“So I’ve heard,” Taako quips, and Merle shoots him a look.

“Hush, I’m trying to tell a story here. Anyway, I grew up a beach dwarf, and it was much different than you might think. Sure, there were crazy beach raves and days spent just building magnificent sandcastles, but it wasn’t all fun and games. Some of the other dwarves on that beach-“ Merle shivers, betraying his discomfort- “well, they weren’t great guys, let’s say that. They grabbed me and fourteen other kids and had us do stuff for ‘em, constantly. Stupid stuff, like collecting twelve specific rocks, or helping them shelve magic books. They’d make us sit in a circle while they chanted over us- I don’t remember what about, just regular prayers most likely. Still, they kinda made us lose autonomy, at least when we were around them.”

Taako isn’t sure what to say. “That sounds pretty awful, dude.” 

Merle nods. “Yeah, it wasn’t great. Still, I wouldn’t trade my childhood out for anything. And besides, they didn’t do any permanent damage, so no harm no foul, right?”

Taako wonders whether that last statement is really true or not.

“Anyway.” Merle smiles and begins to stand up, holding his now empty glass. “All I can say is that I’m glad to be away from the influence of those guys. They were wild.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Taako replies. “What brought them to mind?”  
“Oh, I don’t know,” Merle replies. “I’m just an old man, don’t mind me. The approaching New Year always makes me a little weird.” He walks away to pour himself another drink, and Taako is left strangely moved.

*  
Taako finds that he misses the old Merle whenever Hitower Twelve is around. Hitower Twelve is manufactured to be the perfect asset to any adventuring team, and is equipped with multiple ways to help lead his team to victory. But, in the end, he’s no goofy dwarf. Hitower Twelve isn’t irreplaceable like Merle is. Merle didn’t ask for a more powerful version of himself to be stuffed inside his head. He’s just a dude trying to have a good time, and Taako can respect that.

The dwarf’s still a fashion disaster, though.

*  
Five days before the New Year, Taako decides it’s time to ask Davenport about Merle’s condition. He finds Davenport in the cockpit, reading the Starblaster’s instruction manual for the millionth time. 

“Heya, Dav. Ever heard of Hitower Twelve?”

Davenport pales, and his mustache twitches nervously. “Sorry?”

Taako. makes sure to enunciate every syllable. “Hitower Twelve. Heard of it?”

Instead of expressing his denial, Davenport just sighs in defeat. “Sit down, Taako.” He gestures towards the copilot’s chair, and Taako dutifully takes a seat.

“We originally weren’t going to include Merle on the IPRE team. After all, you’ve seen his work as a cleric. He’s, well, a little less than ideal.” Davenport chuckles ruefully. “We were running him through the usual cleric tests, asking him to identify the uses of plants and the like, and one of the plants we named triggered Hitower Twelve. I remember sitting in the interrogation room, confused as fuck, while Hitower Twelve explained to us exactly what he was designed for. We asked him a lot of questions, including how to turn him off and get Merle back in the cranial driver’s seat. Once we’d brought Merle back, we asked him if he remembered his transformation. He thought we were just playing a massive trick on him.”

Davenport runs a hand through his ginger hair. 

“We had some guys research Hitower Twelve, and it turns out that Merle was one of a set of fifteen so-called ‘sleeper agents’ for an obscure beach dwarf cult. I’m not quite sure how Merle managed to get away from them, but more power to him, right?”

Taako nods, and gestures for Davenport to continue.

“So, once we found out that Merle had this power, we figured he’d be a ridiculously good asset to the team. But, y’know, Merle’s a good guy. Once I properly started interacting with him and got to know him a little better, I realized he was much, much more than the thing residing inside his head. Sure, the IPRE now had an overpowered secret weapon, but at what cost? Activating Hitower Twelve seems a bit like using Merle at this point. He’s actually a very talented cleric, though I didn’t see it during his original interviews.”

“Does Merle know about Hitower Twelve at all?” Taako asks, even though he knows the answer.

“I’ve tried explaining it to him a few times, but he always figures I’m joking. Unless something revolutionary happens, I doubt he’ll ever find out.”

“Weird,” Taako finally says.

Davenport nods solemnly. “Yeah, I know. I’m not sure how you found out about Hitower Twelve, but please don’t activate him anymore. It’s not fair of anyone to trigger that side of Merle.”

He snorts in response.“Yeah, don’t worry about that, kemosabe. His abs are kind of horrifying, and I never want to see those again.”

Grinning, Davenport agrees with him. “Understandable. They're really, really uncomfortable.”

*

When New Years day comes around, they’re on another, better world, and Taako lets sleeping bears lie.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah! If you have any thoughts about this, good or otherwise, feel free to hit me up on tumblr [here](https://orcgf.tumblr.com) or [here](https://tazsoundtrack.tumblr.com)


End file.
